Another Passage

I am now an orphaned adult. My mother passed away in June moving me into the oldest living generation on my family tree. I felt great relief for my mother as her life had lost much of it's dignity and happiness. Her world had shrunk to one floor of a high-rise retirement home. Her only friends the other patients in the assisted living area and the attendents. People she had no past, or future, with.

She had anticipated her death for at least a year but her nature was to fight. I visited her the first week in June and she was still adamant about talking to the 'doctor' about what she could do to feel better. She had fallen, confining her to a wheelchair, but she kept her walker in the corner of her room, and talked about getting back on her feet. She tried hard to eat at meals to keep her strength up, even when it was difficult to swallow.

During my week visit, I sat with her at meals and tried to make conversation with her table mates - one who spoke not at all, and one who literally passed out at the table while we were eating. Other family members often came to eat with their parents and we would glance knowingly at each other, feeling helpless and wishing our parents were back like they used to be.

Then, we would go back to her room and she would nap. We made one trip down to the main lobby. Several old friends came up to talk with Mom, compliment her on looking well, and saying they missed seeing her at dinner. At these times my real mother would come out, greeting them with her beautiful smile and ever gracious Southern manners. I think, though, it just made her sadder... to see what she had lost.

She hated medicines and hated feeling the loss of control her pain medication caused. There were unexplained fears and panic attacks - and she really believed she had to watch out because someone might hurt her. Her fears may have been due to the many years her brain was deprived of oxygen, due to her lung disease. Or, they may have been due to the deterioration of her memory and thinking abilities.

So, when my brother called to say mom was gone there was relief and sadness. Relief for her because she didn't have to deal with the pain and the loss of dignity, sadness because she wasn't happy. I flew home on Tuesday and she died on Friday. She didn't give up even in the end. When her nurse came in on Thursday, she opened her eyes and said "You know I am dying," a final request for help.

The memorial service was on a perfect, clear Colorado day. The view of the mountains was crystal clear through the windows of the chapel. It was a day she would have enjoyed living but not in the condition she had been. She had been in Hospice a year. Even though she made the decision at that point she wasn't really ready. Her will kept her body alive far longer than if she had been at peace with dying.

Move on!

"Dear Winter, its over between us. You need to move on. I'm with Spring now!"
A four year old asks: What does dreary mean? We can answer - it is how you feel when you've had a long cold week of rain !! The sun peeked through for a few days last week. The temperature shot up to 70 and then... we were back to 45 and cloudy. Spring in the South is So wonderful that I get impatient waiting for it to arrive. Just in the last couple of days, the daffodils along the drive have opened and I have spotted some blazing pink Crabapple trees in bloom. It is like seeing packages wrapped and having to wait for the gifts!

Resolutions

I procrastinate. I avoid doing things; then I rationalize and plan deadlines to make myself do them. Or not. And I am not sure why. Thinking back, I've done this forever, but it seems to be getting to be more of a problem. It bothers me enough that I think I would like to change.

I don't often sit and think about one thing (anything!) for any length of time, but I decided to spend some time wrestling with this. With age and experience perhaps I can be honest with myself and decide on the reasons - and get over it! 2010 - the beginning of a decade. Good time to reevaluate and get rid of annoying habits!

It bothers me that I don't call people much. I used to I am sure. I put off calling or rationalize why I am not calling.... For example, I don't call my daughter-in-law, whom I dearly love and whose ideas and thoughts are facinating and interesting to me. I don't even call her to talk over how she feels or what she and the kids are doing. I think that is because if I call and she doesn't answer - I assume it is because she doesn't want to talk to me and that makes me sad. I know she might not be home, or might have her hands tied up in cooking or sewing. She doesn't carry a phone around in her pocket all the time for heavens sake! But, I hate it when she doesn't answer - so I just don't call.
I don't call my good friend - not often. I wonder if I will disturb her when she is busy 0r, worse yet, that her husband will answer and I will have disturbed him doing something important. She says she has the same problem. So, she doesn't call me either! I am guessing I don't feel like I am important in her life.
I don't call my brother, even though I live 1400 miles away and he lives down the street from our mother who has been quite ill this year. He doesn't call me either - which drives me crazy since I want updates on how she is doing. But, because he lives so close, he is the one who handles the day to day ups and downs - and I assume he hasn't a lot of energy to talk with me. I feel sad because I can't do more for him and for her - and guilty, even though it was 40 years ago when circumstances arose that destined me to live far away. If I call him - I am asking him to do something for me. And I don't feel like I am worth that to him. How can I do that when he does so much for her. I do feel it would be better for both of us to share this burden but - I am guessing he is frustrated with the fact I can't. I don't blame him for being angry with me.

There are other people I don't call - because I am not patient enough to have a long conversation or think I have other things I have to do. But, then I am sad because I don't have too many close friends. Close friends need to communicate.
So, I resolve to try to overcome this putting off, this avoidance, and deal with this feeling of inadequacy. But.... how?

Snow day!

Our new year arrived with a dusting of snow - not that unusual except this is the deep South where snow is a blessed and rare event! Snow days are much anticipated, yet dreaded, because of our inexperience with icy roads and shivery winds. The school kids (some teachers too) slept with their pajamas inside out, put a spoon under their pillows and ice cubes down the toilet to make sure it snowed. Their wishes were granted and school was cancelled. Georgians doned their too thin jackets and searched for gloves, then raced outside to play before it disappeared! A little variety is good for the soul!