Resolutions

I procrastinate. I avoid doing things; then I rationalize and plan deadlines to make myself do them. Or not. And I am not sure why. Thinking back, I've done this forever, but it seems to be getting to be more of a problem. It bothers me enough that I think I would like to change.

I don't often sit and think about one thing (anything!) for any length of time, but I decided to spend some time wrestling with this. With age and experience perhaps I can be honest with myself and decide on the reasons - and get over it! 2010 - the beginning of a decade. Good time to reevaluate and get rid of annoying habits!

It bothers me that I don't call people much. I used to I am sure. I put off calling or rationalize why I am not calling.... For example, I don't call my daughter-in-law, whom I dearly love and whose ideas and thoughts are facinating and interesting to me. I don't even call her to talk over how she feels or what she and the kids are doing. I think that is because if I call and she doesn't answer - I assume it is because she doesn't want to talk to me and that makes me sad. I know she might not be home, or might have her hands tied up in cooking or sewing. She doesn't carry a phone around in her pocket all the time for heavens sake! But, I hate it when she doesn't answer - so I just don't call.
I don't call my good friend - not often. I wonder if I will disturb her when she is busy 0r, worse yet, that her husband will answer and I will have disturbed him doing something important. She says she has the same problem. So, she doesn't call me either! I am guessing I don't feel like I am important in her life.
I don't call my brother, even though I live 1400 miles away and he lives down the street from our mother who has been quite ill this year. He doesn't call me either - which drives me crazy since I want updates on how she is doing. But, because he lives so close, he is the one who handles the day to day ups and downs - and I assume he hasn't a lot of energy to talk with me. I feel sad because I can't do more for him and for her - and guilty, even though it was 40 years ago when circumstances arose that destined me to live far away. If I call him - I am asking him to do something for me. And I don't feel like I am worth that to him. How can I do that when he does so much for her. I do feel it would be better for both of us to share this burden but - I am guessing he is frustrated with the fact I can't. I don't blame him for being angry with me.

There are other people I don't call - because I am not patient enough to have a long conversation or think I have other things I have to do. But, then I am sad because I don't have too many close friends. Close friends need to communicate.
So, I resolve to try to overcome this putting off, this avoidance, and deal with this feeling of inadequacy. But.... how?